The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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