got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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