in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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