I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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