No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
