Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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