I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
this hospital has no fireball
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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