I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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