Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
