I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
