apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
