My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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