Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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