i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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