May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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