I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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