Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
