my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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