I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
