ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
