I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
