So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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