last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize