the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize