He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
