My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
