Plan B is the new Plan A
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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