Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
