I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
