it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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