Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
