Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
