Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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