the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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