We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
