Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
