dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
