Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
