hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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