at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
