I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
