Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
