i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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