Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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