that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i think im in europe. pls send help
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
