I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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