Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
