My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize