she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
