but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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