I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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