He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
