don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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