Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
