Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize