just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
