She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
